Wednesday, March 30

Love Thyself

I follow a great blogger who pens Be A Warrior Queen, she is super inspiring and one of the sweetest people I have been fortunate enough to meet through blogging. She shares a lot about self love and acceptance, and while binging on her blog, I started thinking about how I perceive myself. 

If you follow along regularly, you know that I suffer from bipolar disorder. I'd like to think that I am the "same ol' me," but the truth is my disorder has changed me. If I am being honest with myself sometimes I struggle with that, but most of all I struggle with who I am with this disorder. 

Most people don't really understand what being bipolar is, they just know that it's a mental illness and people with mental illnesses are crazy. Yes, I guess if you had to put a label on it I would be crazy but the majority of my illness is not manifested in crazy outburst (although they do happen), but with extreme depressive episodes where I can't cope with life. That in and of itself is hard but the worst part is what it does to my self esteem. 

I look around at other people and say to myself, "why can't I just feel normal?" "Why do I have to feel this way?" Or "why was I given this baggage?" And the answer to that is who the f**k knows, but it is what it is. We all have our crosses to bear; we all have that something that makes us feel inadequate or less than human. 

On most days I'm good. I take my medications and I go to work, I walk the dog, I cook dinner. Somedays I'm sad and somedays I am total f**king mess. Some days I scream and cry, and punch walls and pull my hair out... because I am bipolar, no, because I am me. Sometimes we are given things in life to carry, and its up to us decide if they are going to weight us down. 

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